Candles lite up the entire cathedral of Santiago de Compostela while I stood in line to
hug Saint James’ tomb. I only learned
about him three years ago when I was in the midst of ending my marriage to
James. One afternoon a friend and I
watched a movie called, The Way. I am
not sure what drew me to the story except I knew that I too wanted to go on
this pilgrimage.
At first it was just a crazy passing thought but soon it became a
calling. I purchased books about the
Camino de Santiago and started to share my plans with others. I joined several Camino Meet-up groups and Facebook
groups. After doing countless research,
I decided to hire Marily Camino to help me arrange my trip.
I began to exercise regularly and mentally prepare myself for hours/days of solitude and the physical exhaustion that I was sure to endure. In retrospect one can’t really prepare for such an adventure. Physical strength, though very useful, is not enough. It is one’s shear will and determination that is far more valuable than one’s physical abilities.
As the date got closer, friends asked me what I plan to gain from this trip. I didn’t really know. I told my best friend that I would like to let go of anger and find some peace for myself. Perhaps I will walk and cry; yell ‘fuck you’ to the universe, even God. Perhaps I just want to show the universe that it can’t break me. But at the end I want to make peace with God and forgive the universe.
There is no way that I can express in words the feeling that I experienced; the people that I met; and the utter peace that I felt during my hike through Spain. I can say that it changed my life. I did not shed any tears; I did not yell at the universe or God, instead I fell in love with it all. There were many moments of reflection about my struggle with depression. There were countless analogy that filled my heart with grace.
They say that the Camino gives you what you need, not what you want. What I wanted was to forgive this universe and especially God without realizing that what I needed was to forgive myself.
I stood behind St. James, as his tomb faced the altar. I had no angry words for him instead I leaned
over gave him a hug and said, “Goodbye James”.
