I loved Castaway, the movie.
As a mother, especially during my daughters’ early years, I fantasized about being alone in an island, where no one made any demands on me, I told my therapist.
This Monday morning I reluctantly got in my car and drove to
our vet’s office. As the word cancer
fell off his mouth, the word stupid popped into my head. Yes, stupid.
I have been so successful these past several years at avoiding
men. The continuing stream of
disappointment and self-depreciation are the end result of every relationship I
ever ventured with a man. I have finally
resolved myself to the conclusion that I will never pursue any form of
relationship which require an ounce of intimacy with a man. Though I must say that I find it fascinating
when my newly divorced friends brave dating, even take chance in
remarrying. I don’t judge; I simply cannot
relate.
My plans are very simple, I need to live, not just exist,
but live to my best abilities until June of 2022 when my youngest graduates
from high school. Her graduation will
mean the end of my daily/weekly/monthly interaction with her father. It will also free me to move wherever I
chose. The idea of relocating and
starting over excites me. But most
importantly, I like the idea of being completely free of attachments.
My cat does put a hiccup into my plans since she is only 4
years old. I have considered giving her
up for a temporary adoption until I finish my travels and find a semi-permanent
home. So a little over a year ago when I
decided to adopt my dog, her age played a huge factor. I didn’t want a young pup but a mature dog. In my mind, we will keep each other company
until it was time for both of us to depart.
Seemed like a perfect plan!
“So I have to once again prepare
myself to say goodbye”, I told my therapist.
“It was going to be my turn. I’m supposed to be the one to say goodbye to
everyone else. I feel stupid and
completely blindsided, AGAIN”.
“It is interesting that you
mentioned Castaway”, my therapist observed.
“Remember Wilson?” He asked.
“Of course I remember Wilson” I
replied.
“Maybe it won’t be a man or even a
dog that you allow yourself to get attached to again. But it is in our nature to long for
attachment. Unfortunately that longing
comes with uncertainties. You can’t
avoid attachments” he said.
That’s when I remember that I cried when Wilson floated away.
